forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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