i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
