I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
