During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
