Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
