I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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