I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just forgot I was standing up.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
