It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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