Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
