VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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