I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
