Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
