she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
