Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
