Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
