If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
