I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She told me I should be a condom model.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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