why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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