You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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