Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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