i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
