I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize