She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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