fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
