I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i need some magic done to my vagina
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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