$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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