This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
