apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
