Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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