i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
