During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
