I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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