I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
