Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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