I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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