I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
