someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
