It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
