so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
