I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
