No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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