I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
