I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
