i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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