I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
