haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
