hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
