Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
