Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
