his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
and you fell through a lawn chair
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
