Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
