Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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