Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
