Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
