I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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