allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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