Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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