If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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