what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
