headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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