a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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