Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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